Toaster oven in the closet?? That's just sad!

That drop off at 5 seconds is rough to see in the data. It really does feel like the stuff you pour yourself into gets skipped over.

The heavy pan trick is the one that got me too, but I went a little different on the timing. I lay the slices out on a rack over a sheet pan and stick them in the fridge uncovered for a couple hours, which dries the outside but also chills them. Cold pickles hit hot oil way better for me, the coating sets up fast before the brine can leak out. My first tries were sad wet coins just like yours, and I burned through a whole jar of spears before I figured it out. Now I do a double dredge in cornstarch then buttermilk and flour, and the crunch holds for a solid ten minutes on the plate.